Napoleon the Conquered (transcript)
'Time Squad'Season 1, Episode 2a: "Napoleon the Conquered" Written by Dave Wasson and Carlos Ramos Directed by Dave Wasson Air Date: June 15, 2001 INT. TIME SQUAD SATELLITE CONTROL ROOM LARRY types away at the control panel's keyboard. OTTO enters with a bowl of cereal. He quietly approaches LARRY and comes up right next to him. OTTO Hiya, Larry! LARRY gasps in surprise. OTTO What’cha doing? LARRY (annoyed) Oh, I’m analyzing the ship’s time-space regulator for defects. OTTO takes a gulp of cereal. OTTO How do you do that? LARRY sighs in annoyance. LARRY By reading the mathematical computations, identifying imperfections and rewriting software. Duh. OTTO Wow, that’s cool! OTTO drinks the rest of the milk from his bowl. OTTO Can I watch? LARRY No. OTTO Oh! What’s this button do? He points to a large red button on the control panel. LARRY smacks his hand away. OTTO Ow! LARRY Well, shouldn’t Tuddrussel be showing you the proper method for head-butting or something? OTTO Aw, come on. At least tell me how history gets all screwed up. I don’t understand. LARRY sighs. LARRY Okay. If I do, will you leave me alone? A door opens in the background. OTTO Oh yeah! Yeah! Yeah! TUDDRUSSEL Hey, buddy. It’s head-butting time! He motions as if he's headbutting the air and grunts. OTTO Not right now! Larry’s about to teach me something! TUDDRUSSEL (chuckling) Oh, this oughta be rich. LARRY turns on a machine. It beeps, and a dome rises from it that projects a beam of holograms below it. He clears his throat. LARRY Okay, think of time as a section of rope. TUDDRUSSEL Boring! LARRY angrily clears his throat. LARRY As Earth moves forward through time, more rope is formed. Recently it was discovered that as time grew older, it began to decay, or unravel, as it were, and this disintegration of the past begins to create disastrous results in our future. Let’s say that because of this instability in the past, the dodo bird never becomes extinct, and because of this, a young Henry Ford is attacked by one of these filthy creatures. He is so traumatized by the experience that he never invents the auto assembly line, or the Model T. Without this primitive automobile as a jumping-off point, we in the future are suddenly without our fancy solar-powered hover cars. That’s why we have to constantly repair the past and keep our future strong. Thank you, and good night. The hologram dome closes as LARRY takes a bow. OTTO claps, and TUDDRUSSEL scratches his head in confusion. TUDDRUSSEL Uh... wait, wait. Go back to that rope part again. LARRY sighs. Suddenly, the History Instability Alarm goes off. TUDDRUSSEL Whee-hoo! Class dismissed! The alarm shuts off as the Time Squad approaches the control panel. The screen above it shows that the mission is to find NAPOLEON in 1797 France. TUDDRUSSEL Say, uh, who is this “Napo-leon” guy? OTTO That's Napoleon. He ruled over France in 1796, and soon after conquered all of Europe. INT. TELEPORTATION ROOM TUDDRUSSEL Well, I guess we better go see what his problem is. He turns to LARRY. Hey, come on, Professor! Let’s go fix that (eerily) time rope. Oooh! TUDDRUSSEL laughs as LARRY enters coordinates into the keypad on the wall. The team teleports away. EXT. BATTLEFIELD We see the painting Napoleon Crossing the Alps on a large canvas. A painter adds some final details. PAINTER Magnifique! NAPOLEON poses on his horse in front of the painter. He stops posing and rides slightly forward. Two FRENCH SOLDIERS on brown horses follow. NAPOLEON (speaks French-like gibberish to soldiers) SOLDIER 1 Yes, Napoléon. The Austrians are sure to be crushed by the might of your fierce army. NAPOLEON (speaks gibberish) SOLDIER 2 I do believe this will be your greatest hour. NAPOLEON rears up on his horse and brandishes a sword. NAPOLEON (speaks gibberish) Yah! He charges forward. Both the two SOLDIERS on horseback and a platoon of SOLDIERS on foot follow behind, shouting. The PAINTER follows suit, grabbing his easel and running ahead. An AUSTRIAN GENERAL on horseback sees this through his binoculars and gaps. AUSTRIAN GENERAL (yells Austrian German-like gibberish) Charge! He brandishes a sword and rushes into battle. His troops follow. Both of the armies yell, approaching each other. Just before they reach each other, the TIME SQUAD teleports in front of them. The electrical cracking and flashing lights startle the AUSTRIAN ARMY. AUSTRIAN GENERAL Retreat! Flee! The AUSTRIAN ARMY and the FRENCH ARMY run away. NAPOLEON'S HORSE rears up, spooked. NAPOLEON (yells angrily to his troops) NAPOLEON begins to slide off of his mount. NAPOLEON Uh-oh. He falls face-first into a puddle of mud. A SOLDIER runs past him, splashing him with even more mud. Angrily, NAPOLEON motions to the source of the disturbance with his sword and rushes back towards the TIME SQUAD. OTTO Wow! What just happened here? NAPOLEON (yells while running to Time Squad) TUDDRUSSEL Hey, uh, maybe that little kid over there can tell us. NAPOLEON charges even closer. TUDDRUSSEL Uh, excuse me there, little feller. NAPOLEON swings his sword at TUDDRUSSEL, who dodges it. TUDDRUSSEL Whoa! Hey! He picks up NAPOLEON by the sword. TUDDRUSSEL Uh, you should not be playing with sharp things, little guy. Hee-hee, no you shouldn’t. TUDDRUSSEL, amused, tickles NAPOLEON as if he is a small child. NAPOLEON turns red with anger. OTTO Tuddrussel, stop! That’s Napoleon! TUDDRUSSEL Aw, do I have to? He’s so cute, I- OTTO Put him down! Larry, quick! Tell him we’re sorry! TUDDRUSSEL lets go of NAPOLEON, who attempts another swipe at him. LARRY clears his throat. LARRY Mon vénérable empereur, je vous prie de bien vouloir- (English translation: "My venerable Emperor, I beg you kindly-") NAPOLEON No! He whistles. LARRY Croyez-moi, votre excellence. (English translation: "Believe me, your excellence...") The FRENCH ARMY surrounds the TIME SQUAD, pointing their bayonets at them. LARRY Oh, forget it. TUDDRUSSEL So, it’s a fight they want, huh? TUDDRUSSEL takes out a phaser, ready to shoot. TUDDRUSSEL Well, I- The phaser shorts out. TUDDRUSSEL Aw, man, I forgot to charge the batteries on this thing. He tosses it aside, hitting a SOLDIER offscreen. NAPOLEON (speaks gibberish menacingly) NAPOLEON makes a "cut their heads off" motion. TUDDRUSSEL chuckles adoringly at this and turns to LARRY. TUDDRUSSEL What’d he say? LARRY We’re going to be beheaded. TUDDRUSSEL Aww. OTTO gasps and clutches his neck. OTTO Beheaded? TUDDRUSSEL pinches NAPOLEON'S cheek and cooes at him as if he were a baby. LARRY Oh, we’re done for. EXT. CITY PLAZA - SUNSET A large guillotine is set up on a platform. NAPOLEON holds the rope keeping the blade from falling. Two SOLDIERS stand guard as the TIME SQUAD waits, arms tied behind their backs with rope. CITIZENS below the platform shout. NAPOLEON (speaks gibberish) LARRY He asked, “Which one of us will go first?” TUDDRUSSEL Well, I guess it’s up to me to do the right thing. He kicks LARRY to the guillotine. LARRY glares back to TUDDRUSSEL, then sighs. LARRY Whatever. OTTO Oh! I can’t look! TUDDRUSSEL I’m going to miss you, buckethead. NAPOLEON holds the rope and chuckles evilly. Suddenly, JOSEPHINE BONAPARTE parts the crowd. JOSEPHINE Napoléon Francis Bonaparte! What do you think you are doing? Startled, NAPOLEON drops the rope. The guillotine falls. JOSEPHINE You are supposed to be home with the kids! TUDDRUSSEL Hey, who’s the hairdo? OTTO That’s Josephine Bonaparte, Napoleon’s wife! JOSEPHINE The kitchen has a stack of dishes this tall! She holds her hand up to eye level. JOSEPHINE And the grass on the lawn is just as high! You better march your butt home, little mister! NAPOLEON protests and gestures to the TIME SQUAD. JOSEPHINE That is fine, bring your little friends! You’re going to need all the help you can get with all the work you have to do! Now move it, buster! JOSEPHINE angrily points away from the platform. Defeated, NAPOLEON trudges away as the CITIZENS laugh. OTTO and TUDDRUSSEL quickly follow as both JOSEPHINE and the CITIZENS leave. LARRY follows, holding his decapitated head. LARRY Huh, does anyone have a crescent wrench? INT. BONAPARTE HOUSE - DAY The TIME SQUAD leans on a door, listening to JOSEPHINE and NAPOLEON's argument in the next room. JOSEPHINE ...and you promised back when we were dating that once you were ruler of France, your conquering days were over! But you haven’t slowed down one bit! It’s always “conquer this,” and “conquer that!” Well now it’s my turn to discover who I am! I’ve already signed up for classes at the local community college, so I’m going to need you at home from now on. NAPOLEON (protesting with gibberish) JOSEPHINE Forget it! That is final. NAPOLEON sighs. Outside the room, TUDDRUSSEL chuckles. TUDDRUSSEL Man, that guy is whipped! JOSEPHINE suddenly opens the door, glaring at the TIME SQUAD. TUDDRUSSEL shrieks like a girl and the TIME SQUAD runs away, hiding behind a wall. LARRY Well, that’s a problem. How is Napoleon going to conquer all of Europe if he’s supposed to stay home from now on? OTTO We have to figure out some way to get him out of the house and back on the battlefield where he belongs! TUDDRUSSEL and LARRY look at each other, stumped. EXT. BONAPARTE HOUSE - DAY JOSEPHINE is seated sidesaddle on a white horse, about to leave. Both NAPOLEON and the TIME SQUAD face her. JOSEPHINE Now, you boys have a lot of work to do, so I suggest you get started. I have my first ceramics class today! Don’t forget to make dinner! I like chicken! Bye! She rides away. NAPOLEON and the TIME SQUAD have their arms full of numerous BABIES. TUDDRUSSEL Well, we better get to work. He hands all of his BABIES to LARRY and walks away. LARRY Hey! NAPOLEON (mumbles in gibberish) NAPOLEON hands his babies to LARRY and follows TUDDRUSSEL away. LARRY Eh, wait! Why do I have to take care of the babies? OTTO Wait for me, guys! He places his BABY in LARRY'S arms and runs away. OTTO Sorry, Larry! LARRY struggles to hold all of the BABIES at once and staggers around. LARRY Whoa! Help! LARRY falls over. EXT. NAPOLEON COURTYARD - DAY NAPOLEON mows the lawn while OTTO wears a sun hat and waters plants. TUDDRUSSEL hums while clipping a hedge. EXT. NAPOLEON HOUSE - DAY NAPOLEON, BUCK, and OTTO paint a corner of the (large) house white. NAPOLEON uses a ladder. INT. BATHROOM TUDDRUSSEL mops the floor while NAPOLEON scrubs the toilet. TUDDRUSSEL accidentally knocks NAPOLEON into the toilet, who struggles to get out. INT. KITCHEN OTTO scrubs dishes and hands them to NAPOLEON to dry. TUDDRUSSEL tosses them aside and breaks them. INT. NURSERY LARRY, unamused, deals with multiple BABIES, most of whom are crying. He feeds three with his right arm and pats another with his left. A BABY sits on one of his legs and another latches on to his other leg, chewing on it. LARRY uses this leg to rock a crib with two sleeping BABIES inside. EXT. NAPOLEON HOUSE - SUNSET OTTO, TUDDRUSSEL, and NAPOLEON sit exhaustedly on the steps to the house. TUDDRUSSEL rubs his foot. TUDDRUSSEL Oh, what a day. LARRY, tired as well, comes to join them. LARRY Ugh, the babies are finally asleep. Oh, and little Napoleon the Fourth said his first word today: poopoo. OTTO clears his throat loudly, looking at TUDDRUSSEL. OTTO Ahem! Ah-hem! TUDDRUSSEL Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah. Uh, say, Napoleon, how’s about you and me and the boys grab up your army and, uh, I don’t know, go conquer all of Egypt, or something? NAPOLEON sighs. NAPOLEON (dejectedly speaks gibberish) TUDDRUSSEL Oh, she don’t even have to know about it. Heh, we gots a plan all worked out. What’d ya say? NAPOLEON (thoughtful affirmation in gibberish) The TIME SQUAD gives him a thumbs-up. JOSEPHINE suddenly rides up, and the TIME SQUAD hides their thumbs. NAPOELON approaches JOSEPHINE. NAPOELON Hey! (asks question in gibberish) JOSEPHINE Oh, not so good. I sort of caused a minor kiln explosion. There were some injuries. I don’t think pottery is my thing. But I got a cooking class tomorrow. NAPOELON Eh, c’est la vie. (English translation: "Such is life.") NAPOELON and JOSEPHINE leave, but not before NAPOLEON gives the TIME SQUAD a thumbs-up behind her back. The TIME SQUAD smiles and returns the gesture. INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT JOSEPHINE and NAPOLEON appear to be sleeping in bed. NAPOLEON opens one eye to look at JOSPEHINE, only pretending to be asleep. He slowly gets out of bed, puts on his hat, and sneaks away while making a snoring sound. INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT NAPOLEON exits his bedroom quietly and shuts the door. LARRY leaves from the nursey and gently shuts the door. He clasps his hands together and smiles. LARRY The little angels. NAPOLEON and the TIME SQUAD tiptoe down the hallway. INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT From the bedroom window, an army is seen marching off into the distance. A bugle plays and explosions blast while JOSEPHINE snores. Explosions go off. INT. BEDROOM - MORNING From the same window we see the army return triumphantly. EXT. BONAPARTE HOUSE - MORNING The TIME SQUAD and NAPOLEON sneak back to the house's entrance. OTTO holds a scepter, TUDDRUSSEL carries a statue of Anubis, and LARRY is dressed as a pharaoh. OTTO Wow! I never knew war could be so much fun! TUDDRUSSEL Yeah, and you got real talent! Where’d you learn to handle a musket like that? OTTO I guess I just found my calling. NAPOLEON prepares to unlock the door to the house. He motions to LARRY. NAPOLEON (speaks gibberish) NAPOLEON nods and LARRY laughs modestly. LARRY Oh! Oh you’re too kind! I suppose pillaging just comes naturally to those of us who love to shop. NAPOLEON Shh! NAPOLEON creaks the door open and the TIME SQUAD follows him inside. INT. BEDROOM - MORNING NAPOLEON sneaks into the bed and falls asleep. JOSEPHINE wakes up with a yawn almost right after. She sniffs the air. JOSEPHINE Do I smell gunpowder? NAPOLEON wakes up with a gasp and sniffs. NAPOELON (speaks gibberish in an explanatory manner) JOSEPHINE You haven’t been out conquering again, have you? NAPOLEON chuckles nervously. NAPOLEON Eh, no, no, no. JOSEPHINE Hm. Okay, but I am keeping an eye on you. The sun suddenly emerges and a ROOSTER crows. JOSEPHINE Well, alrighty then! Rise and shine! NAPOLEON sighs exhaustedly. EXT. BONAPARTE COURTYARD - DAY The TIME SQUAD and NAPOELON are gathered around, sleepily. LARRY cares for the BABIES. OTTO holds a featherduster, TUDDRUSSEL has a broom on his shoulder, and NAPOLEON holds a rake. TUDDRUSSEL yawns. JOSEPHINE Okay, boys! The TIME SQUAD and NAPOLEON snap to attention. JOSEPHINE is mounted sidesaddle on her horse as she addresses them. JOSEPHINE I am learning how to make a casserole in cooking class today, so tonight, I’ll be making dinner. Okay? Au revoir! She rides away. NAPOLEON and the TIME SQUAD sigh, and the BABIES begin to cry. OTTO, TUDDRUSSEL, and NAPOLEON walk away as LARRY leaves in the other direction. INT. KITCHEN Inside a very messy kitchen, black smoke billows. JOSEPHINE, wearing a chef's hat and holding a dish of burned food, coughs and clears her throat. She walks into a dining area. JOSEPHINE I think we’d better order a pizza. Sorry, guys. She looks around, but nobody is there. JOSEPHINE Guys? Sitting at the table are crudely-made decoys of the TIME SQUAD and NAPOLEON. The sack that forms NAPOLEON's head falls over. JOSEPHINE growls and her face turns red. JOSEPHINE Ohh... Napoleon! EXT. BONAPARTE HOUSE - MORNING LARRY holds a tattered Italian flag and wears a feathered hat. OTTO carries an accordion and TUDDRUSSEL holds the Mona Lisa under his arm. NAPOLEON looks in his pocket for his keys. TUDDRUSSEL Welp, so much for Italy. OFFSCREEN VOICE To Napoleon, our great leader! A CROWD cheers. NAPOLEON chuckles. NAPOLEON Shh! He turns the key and opens the door. The group begins to sneak in, but stop in their tracks and gasp. TUDDRUSSEL Holy- JOSEPHINE stands in the doorway, furious. NAPOLEON and the TIME SQUAD cower in fear. JOSEPHINE You four are in so much trouble! You are all grounded! You’ve already made me late for my music class! She leaves the house and moves towards her horse. JOSEHINE I better see you all tonight at my piano recital. JOSEPHINE grunts as she mounts her horse. JOSEPHINE Don’t even think about being late. She rides off angrily. TUDDRUSSEL That could have gone better. OTTO and NAPOLEON nod in agreement. EXT. CONCERT HALL - NIGHT A large sign depicting JOSEPHINE sitting at a piano sits outside of the concert hall, reading "Tonight: Josephine". JOSEPHINE begins to play Chopsticks poorly. INT. CONCERT HALL - NIGHT JOSEPHINE continues to play the piano. She nervously struggles and finishes. A MAN claps hesitantly as she takes a bow, feigning a smile. A WOMAN in the audience looks up at JOSEPHINE, bewildered. Another MAN is asleep in the back. The decoys of the TIME SQUAD are seated at the front. The decoy of NAPOLEON'S sack head falls over again. JOSEPHINE turns red with anger. JOSEPHINE Ohhh! That is the last straw! EXT. BATTLEFIELD OTTO rides on a brown horse. Next to him, NAPOLEON is seated on his own horse. TUDDRUSSEL and LARRY share a horse. The FRENCH ARMY waits behind them, one SOLDIER holding a French flag. OTTO Okay, the British should be over this next hill. As soon as you give the command, we’ll attack! NAPOLEON (speaks gibberish) NAPOLEON brandishes his sword and points it forward. NAPOLEON Charge! TUDDRUSSEL Yee-haw! The TIME SQUAD and NAPOLEON ride forward, the FRENCH ARMY running after them. JOSEPHINE, hands on her hips, waits in front of them. Everyone halts when they get to her. NAPOLEON gasps in surprise and his horse rears up. He yells as he falls off and onto the ground. The TIME SQUAD cringes. NAPOLEON (speaks gibberish in apologetic manner) JOSEPHINE Don’t you “baby” me! All I asked for was a little support! You couldn’t help me one teeny, tiny, little bit! I have had it with you, you little shrimp! JOSEPHINE punches NAPOLEON, giving him a black eye. He flies backwards, and lands incapacitated at the hooves of OTTO'S horse. TUDDRUSSEL gasps. TUDDRUSSEL Little buddy! That’s it! You’re goin’ down, lady! TUDDRUSSEL motions for the army to move forward. TUDDRUSSEL Hee-yaw! The TIME SQUAD and the ARMY charge forward and offscreen. Sounds of fighting are heard as glasses and bayonets go flying. We see the entire FRENCH ARMY defeated by JOSEPHINE, who breathes heavily and angrily. OTTO hangs by his shirt on a rifle's bayonet, his glasses and teeth broken. LARRY lies in a heap on the ground next to TUDDRUSSEL, who rubs his head. TUDDRUSSEL Wow. He chuckles. TUDDRUSSEL Lady, I-I ain’t had my butt kicked like that in years. JOSEPHINE brightens at this. JOSEPHINE Really? Oh, you’re just saying that. I’m no good at anything. OTTO No, seriously. You’ve got real talent. You could be a great conqueror. Maybe even as good as Napoleon! JOSEPHINE Oh, you mean it? NAPOLEON approaches JOSEPHINE. NAPOLEON (speaks gibberish) He bends on one knee in front of her. JOSEPHINE You want me to fight beside you? Oh, Nappy, I love you! JOSEPHINE picks up NAPOLEON and kisses him on the forehead. SOLDIERS / TIME SQUAD Aww. SOLDIER My empereur! The English! The SOLDIER holds a telescope. The ENGLISH ARMY is seen in the distance marching towards the FRENCH ARMY. JOSEPHINE The English? She drops Napoleon onto the ground. JOSEPHINE Well, come on! Let’s get ‘em! JOSEPHINE whistles and mounts NAPOLEON'S horse. She lifts NAPOLEON right next to her and sets his hat back onto his head. JOSEPHINE Okay men, let’s show ‘em what we’re made of! She turns to the TIME SQUAD. JOSEPHINE Thanks for all your help, boys! JOSEPHINE, NAPOLEON, and the FRENCH ARMY charge forward into battle. Suddenly, LARRY gives a slight gasp and calls out to them. LARRY Don’t forget the babies’ three-o-clock feeding! OTTO Well, I guess that worked out. LARRY opens up his arm computer and enters in coordinates. TUDDRUSSEL sniffles, wipes his eye, and clasps his hands together. TUDDRUSSEL Oh, I love happy endings. OTTO looks behind him and notices a large sign that reads "WELCOME TO WATERLOO". OTTO Uh, actually... uh... Oh, nevermind. LARRY taps a button and the TIME SQUAD teleports away.Category:Episode Transcripts Category:Transcripts